Why it could be harder to find love nowadays

David Robson interviews Paul C Brunson, author of the book "Find Love," discussing how cultural and technological changes are impacting modern relationships.

Robson questions Brunson on whether technological advancements have influenced our perceptions of dating and relationships, given the myriad opportunities technology provides for meeting potential partners.

In response, Brunson, a global relationships insight expert for Tinder, offers insights based on his expertise. He delves into the ways in which technology has shaped contemporary attitudes towards dating and relationships, drawing from his new book, "Find Love: How to Navigate Modern Love and Discover the Right Partner for You."

Is it true that finding a partner is harder now than ever before?

Based on the research conducted for his book, Paul C Brunson argues that finding and maintaining love in contemporary times is more challenging than ever before. He highlights two main reasons for this difficulty.

Firstly, Brunson notes that modern society offers a wide array of acceptable relationship structures, ranging from monogamous to polyamorous arrangements, cohabitation to living apart. This diversity complicates the process of finding a partner who aligns with one's desired relationship goals.

Secondly, Brunson points out that contemporary individuals have heightened expectations from their partners. While historically, partners may have been primarily sought for practical reasons like child-rearing or companionship, today there is a trend towards seeking fulfillment in multiple areas from a single partner. This concept, as elucidated by psychologist Eli Finkel, reflects a desire for partners to fulfill roles as intellectual equals, business collaborators, co-parents, and sexual partners, among others.

How about technology? Some people seem to feel overwhelmed by the opportunities of meeting new people

Paul C Brunson discusses the concept of the "paradox of choice," wherein individuals believe they have endless options in dating due to the proliferation of dating apps. However, he emphasizes that the actual number of dates one can secure in a given week is limited, highlighting the discrepancy between perception and reality.

In his book, Brunson delves into another paradox concerning relationship satisfaction. He notes that while overall relationship satisfaction may be decreasing, the top 20% of individuals who are highly satisfied with their partners report even greater levels of contentment than before. Brunson seeks to explain this phenomenon.

He suggests that many marriages experience low satisfaction due to various factors, including the perception of abundant choices and the belief that the grass may be greener elsewhere. Additionally, advancements in knowledge, such as online assessments of attachment styles, provide individuals with insights into their compatibility with their partners, potentially leading to increased awareness of relational dynamics and satisfaction levels.

Indeed, while many individuals may feel dissatisfied with their relationships, others are leveraging available tools to address any shortcomings and actively work on improving their relationships. These proactive individuals are using resources to identify areas of improvement within their relationships and are motivating each other to prioritize their well-being. Consequently, there exists a smaller portion of the population experiencing high relationship satisfaction, juxtaposed with a larger portion facing lower satisfaction levels.

How attachment styles reflect our childhood experiences with our caregivers, and how do they influence our adult relationships?

Attachment theory categorizes individuals into four attachment styles based on their early childhood experiences with caregivers. The first is secure attachment, where individuals felt secure in their caregiver's presence and were able to self-soothe when the caregiver was absent, trusting that they would return.

The second style is anxious attachment, characterized by individuals feeling anxious and having difficulty re-stabilizing when the caregiver leaves and returns, fearing abandonment.

The third style is avoidant attachment, where individuals are emotionally distant and believe they can only rely on themselves, as they perceive their caregiver as indifferent. The fourth category is disorganized attachment, a combination of avoidant and anxious traits.

These attachment styles from childhood often persist into adulthood and influence how individuals form relationships with their romantic partners. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style may constantly fear their partner leaving, while someone with an avoidant style may struggle to express emotions to their partner. Conversely, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier relationships.

While attachment styles have gained popularity, it's crucial to consider cultural differences and nuances. A child labeled as anxious in one cultural context may be considered secure in another due to varying parenting practices. Therefore, understanding attachment styles requires awareness of cultural influences and differences.

What kinds of errors are people making in their approaches to online dating?

One common mistake in online dating is failing to define relationship goals upfront, leading to potential mismatches. To address this, Tinder has introduced a feature allowing users to specify their relationship intentions to avoid such misunderstandings. Additionally, inadequate or outdated profile photos contribute to misrepresentation and disappointment during dates. It's essential to have recent, authentic photos showcasing various aspects of your personality and interests, such as a genuine smile, full-body shot, and engaging activities.

Another valuable tip is to include "beige flags" in your profile—quirky traits or interests that some may find unusual but demonstrate confidence and authenticity. For example, mentioning a monthly Dungeons and Dragons game highlights individuality and self-assurance, attracting like-minded individuals while filtering out those who may not share similar interests. Ultimately, being upfront about who you are increases the likelihood of finding compatible matches.

Are there any big generational differences in dating?

While the characteristics of Gen Z individuals may vary based on location, there are overarching generational differences that are noteworthy. Notably, Gen Z tends to prioritize authenticity in their interactions.

Research conducted at Tinder revealed that for this generation, feeling comfortable being oneself with a partner was the primary factor determining whether they desired a second date. This marks a significant shift from previous generations, where physical attraction typically held the top spot. While physical attraction remains important for Gen Z, the emphasis on authenticity reflects evolving attitudes towards relationships and connections.